I was told on 17/02/09 that I had lesions in both lungs and in my liver and that there is a suspect area in my bowel that this might have come from. This really sounded bad straight away and the respiratory doctor who told me in detail made it plain that this is very likely to be terminal.
I donít bear a grudge that anyone else will have a longer life than me. The way I see it is that for billions of years I have been unaware of existence, but for a short period of time the particles that make me up have been assembled, able to understand and appreciate the wonders of life, this world, the universe and reality - an experience I feel very fortunate to have had. Now I will become unaware again and the particles that make me up will go back to the mix of the universe as before for all the billions of years to come.
We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.
- Carl Sagan
I can accept it okay; what I find difficult is the effect that it has on friends and family. Then I have thoughts about what I would like to do with whatever time I have left. At first I thought of the things I haven't done yet, like go to the Grand Canyon or the Pyramids. There are countless places I would like to visit, but even someone with a longer life than me is likely to have lots of things they hadn't done. Sitting for ten hours in a plane doesn't sound like the best use of my time either. Really when it comes down to it there are two things in life that I enjoy:
One is having experiences with friends and family: I have had many wonderful times with them, so if I make the conditions, maybe I can squeeze some more in.
The other thing that makes me tick is achieving things. My life is full of achievements:
Repairing faults on TV's, videos (this used to be my trade)
Fixing my car
Planning and creating a garden
Understanding evolution and having a grasp of how I came to be
Running a business
Building web sites
I get a great kick out of doing something well. Once I have done something I don't get the same enjoyment out of repeating it.
So what would I like to achieve now? I'd like to tell the story of my diagnosis of cancer. I think there are lessons that can be learned and maybe it will help change the procedures used in future.
I also think that irrational thinking causes most injustices and harm in the world today. Religious leaders are given authority and allowed to get away with making ridiculous claims and have some sort of immunity to criticism. So I'd like to leave this website that can carry on after me which I hope makes convincing arguments that people could find and maybe just make them think.
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